Bad Joke of The Week

David Letterman's Top Ten Signs Santa Hates You


December 22, 2000

10. He eats milk and cookies -- and nails your wife

9. Every naughty thing you did this year was videotaped and
posted on the Internet

8. On Christmas morning, your stocking stuffed with a severed leg

7. Only "gift" you received was left by Blitzen on your living
room carpet

6. Instead of, "Ho, Ho, Ho," greets you with, "Nice sweater, fat
ass"

5. Leaves mysterious letter, "I know when you are sleeping, I
know how to kill a man without leaving any marks"

4. You get no presents -- when you bump into him later, he gives
you lame, "I thought you were Jewish" excuse

3. Brings you one copy of every Kathie Lee CD

2. Turns his reindeer loose on you

1. Writes "Happy Holidays" in the snow on the roof

Bad Joke of The Week

Top 10 Comments Made By The Reindeer During Their Christmas Eve Flight


10. "Sheesh! What's he been eating this year? ROCKS?"

9. "He shouts all our names all the time, sure, but do you really think he
knows which one is which?"

8. "I never knew Donner had a tattoo THERE."

7. "Sure...HIS seat is a flotation device. What about us?"

6. "Tried those new lite oats? You really should."

5. "Man, I hope we pause on a rooftop soon. I'm beat."

4. "HEY! Watch the antlers there, buddy!"

3. "Did you hear you-know-who got a nose job?"

2. "You know, after a few hundred miles, these jingling bells really get
annoying!"

And Finally...

1. "So, you want to go someplace afterward for some reindeer games?"

Bad Joke of The Week

Little Wendy is in line to see Santa. When it's her turn, she climbs up on
Santa's lap. Santa asks, "What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas"?

Little Wendy replies, "I want a Barbie and G.I. Joe".

Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says, "I thought Barbie comes
with Ken".

"No", said Wendy, "She comes with G.I. Joe, she fakes it with Ken"

Bad Joke of The Week

I was traveling to Seattle on business. Knowing how the weather is up there
(and lacking the proper clothing), I went to a local outdoor shop for a
inclement weather clothing. Not finding what I was looking for, I went to
another. Then another. Finally, a salesman suggested that I go to Rudolph's.

"Rudolph's?" I said, surprised. "Do you mean the Russian specialty store?"

To which the salesman answered, "Rudolph the Red knows rain gear."

Bad Joke of the Week

Barack Obama was seated next to a little girl on an airplane trip back to Washington. He turned to her and said, “Let’s talk. I’ve heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.”

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to The Obama, “What would you like to talk about?”

“Oh, I don’t know,” said the Obama. “How about What Changes I Should Make To America?” and he smiles.

“OK,” she says. “That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?”

Obama, visibly surprised by the little girl’s intelligence, thinks about it for a second and finally says, “Hmmm, I have no idea.”

To which the little girl replies, “Do you really feel qualified to change America when you don’t know shit?”

Bad Joke of the Week

What's the difference between a University of Michigan fan and a carp?
One is a bottom-feeding, scum sucker, and the other is a fish.

Bad Joke of the Week

Why did Jimmy Carter vote for Barack Obama?
Because Jimmy didn't want to be remembered as the worst President in history.

Bad Joke of the Week

So a pirate walks into a bar, okay, and swaggers up to the barkeep and demands a glass of rum. I believe his exact words were "Your rum or your life, dog, what'll it be?".

And so the bartender, being a reasonable fellow, makes no complaint but simply grabs a large glass, a bottle of fine dark rum, and begins to pour. And while he's waiting for the glass to fill (this being, as I said before, a large glass) he sizes up the pirate, having never seen a real honest-to-God pirate before.

This pirate is in full pirate gear. Gold earrings, patch over the eye, a big filthy white blouse covering his swarthy chest, tattoos everywhere, all of it. But protruding from his pirate trousers is the unmistakable form of a steering wheel.

Well, the bartender sees that the glass of rum is just about topped off, so he passes the glass across the bar to the pirate, who nods curtly and takes a huge swig of the rum. Slapping a dubloon on the bartop, he turns to walk away, when our bartender's curiousity gets the best of him.

"Wait, one second. What's up with the steering wheel?"

And the pirate turns back and fixes him with a beady glare from his lone eye. "Arrr, I don't know, but it's drivin' me nuts!"

Bad Joke of the Week

Top 10 Signs You Are Too Old to Be Trick or Treating:
10. You get winded from knocking on the door.
9. You have to have a kid chew the candy for you.
8. You ask for high fiber candy only.
7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance and fall over.
6. People say, "Great Keith Richard's mask!" and you're not wearing a mask.
5. When the door opens you yell, "Trick or ..." and can't remember the rest.
4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.
3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your hairpiece.
2. You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.
1. You avoid going to houses where your ex-wives/ex-husbands live.

Bad Joke of the Week

John Kerry walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Why the long face?"

Bad Joke of the Week

Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
Because they have big fingers.

Bad Joke of the Week

Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Right where you left him.

Bad Joke of the Week

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
A stick.

Bad Joke of the Week

What type of jewelry does a dragon like best?

Theirs.

Bad Joke of the Week

Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves, a captain and his crew were in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship. As the crew became frantic, the captain bellowed to his First Mate, "Bring me my red shirt!". The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, which the captain put on and lead the crew to battle the pirate boarding party. Although some casualties occurred among the crew, the pirates were repelled.

Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels sending boarding parties. The crew cowered in fear, but the captain calm as ever bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!". The battle was on, and once again the Captain and his crew repelled both boarding parties, although this time more casualties occurred.

Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recounting the day's occurrences when an ensign looked to the Captain and asked, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battle?". The Captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give, exhorted, "If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the wound and thus, you men will continue to fight unafraid". The men sat in silence marveling at the courage of such a man.

As dawn came the next morning, the lookout screamed that there were pirate ships, 10 of them, all with boarding parties on their way. The men became silent and looked to their Captain for his usual command. The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my brown pants!!

Bad Joke of the Week

What's a horny pirate's worst nightmare?

A sunken chest with no booty!

Bad Joke of the Week

Top Ten Signs Your DM is Too Hard

1. You've been playing for 3 weeks, and have 76 dead characters.
2. You're playing in Darksun, but still only use Method I to roll characters.
3. Your fighter gets a bit tipsy, and piches the barmaid's bottom. The barmaid pulls out her bow and her arrow of fighter slaying.
4. Your 15th level thief just had the snot kicked out of him by an eight year old girl.
5. There are lethal traps on every latrine door.
6. Most peasants have 20 hit dice, and many know the power word, kill spell.
7. Somehow you've done it. Your party has slain Emberburn, the most fearsome and powerful Red Dragon the DM has ever created. The DM stares at you in shock, still staring down at the "1" he rolled on the dragon's last attack. After poking him in the arm for five minutes, chanting "horde….horde…..horde…." over and over, he looks up at you. The look of surprise fades, and an evil grin replaces it. "As it happens," the DM says with glee, "the dragon had cast Project Image just before the party entered the cavern….".
8. Your mage has an argument with a local spice merchant. Finally, annoyed to the breaking point, he casts charm on the merchant. Sadly, the merchant is a retired 22nd level elven mage. Shaking your head, you reach for the statistic rolling dice once again…
9. Trees can, and often do, explode in huge, 20d6 hit die fireballs. No explanation is ever offfered.
10. Regular rabbits are gone. They have been replaced by the killer-rabbit from "Monty Python and the Holy Grail".

Bad Joke of the Week

Top Ten Signs Your DM is Too Easy

1. The red dragon suddenly develops a chest cold, and cannot use it's breath weapon.
2. Your party sneaks into the lich's secret dungeons. Luckily for them, the lich has been born-again, and sent all his undead minions off to do charity work for the poor.
3. The phrase "Oh geez, what do I need with another +5 vorpal longsword" is used during game play.
4. Your cleric is on a first name basis with his god, because of all the times the god has had to pop in to save the cleric's butt.
5. Any major city has at least one "Ressurect-a-matic" on every street corner.
6. All the city's guards are first level, and are easily spooked by the Flamefinger cantrip.
7. Bubba the Mighty, the most powerful and evil mage in the world, has a soft spot for fast-talking halflings. Instead of casting meteor swarm and annihilating the party, he decides to teleport away.
8. The party is dividing treasure. The fighter says "Ok, who wants the staff of the magi? Anybody? Anyone at all? Ok, we leave it leaning against a tree stump."
9. The DM uses a four sider to roll monster attacks.
10. The gods in your campaign worship the player characters.

Bad Joke of the Week

Famous Last Words

"Of course its evil, kill it!"

"It can't talk to us like that!"

"What do you mean?! How many hit points do I have?!"

"Was that thunder, or were you rolling damage?"

"No really. I can do this."

"You mean it was a GOOD dragon?"

"I'll steal the 20+ level mage's pouch."

"What the hell, there's six of us and only 5 type VI demons."

"A wish? Okay, genie, make me a ham sandwich."

"Hey, all I need is a two or better to save vs. poison."

"YO! Grendel! Your momma wears combat boots!"

"I dunno what a tarrasque is, but it can't be TOO tough."

"What do you mean, the dragon wakes up?"

"Wait! What's deathspell do?"

"Go ahead and drink it."

"I'll never surrender."

"It was a joke."

"Hey guys, where are you?"

"I mix the potions and drink."

Bad Joke of the Week

Top Ten Signs You Pissed Off the Villagers

1. The "interesting new stew" you've been served at the inn smells suspiciously like sewage.
2. One ripe apple at the market place costs more than your last spellbook.
3. They're building a gallows outside of your room at the inn. They try to tell you that it's "modern art".
4. One of them asks you for a donation for the "Hire Some Thugs to Kill the Adventurers" fund.
5. Someone glued a spike to your saddle.
6. At bed time, your goose-down pillow explodes. The innkeeper says that the pillow was made from the feathers of very angry geese.
7. People keep providing you with gifts of horses, and maps out of town.
8. The mayor declares a special "Murder of Foreigners is No Longer Illegal" day, in your honour.
9. Arrows keep appearing in the dirt at your feet. Local villagers shake their head, and claim that they are fast-growing weeds.
10. The villagers hire a band of trolls to rid their town of adventurers.